Posts Tagged: dick.cheney

Aug 09

Fuck yea, I torture

So Andrew Sullivan thinks torture is “the pre-eminent moral question in American politics”. Seriously, you know what’s torture? Having to hear this guy prattle on about the moral high ground all the time. Anyone else longing for the good old days when the gays were mostly just for filling in the center square or were smart enough to keep a low profile?

Fuck yea we torture. In fact, I’m in favor of carving out some money in the budget so the President can send everyone their choice of a t-shirt or a bumper sticker with that motto on it. Maybe include my favorite photo in the whole fucking world along with it.

Check that guy out. His face screams “Holy shit these fuckers woke me up. Here I was on my mat of hay, dreaming of 70 virgins, a sit-and-spin, and enough blow to get a snow day in Aspen, Colorado. Now I’m going to have a cattle prod up my ass and my balls licked by a rabid dog. I didn’t even have time to shave my face, chest, back, shoulders, arms, knuckles, or the soles of my feet. Fucking a.” That fucker knows he’s in for a world of hurt, and I’m glad.

You know how I like to imagine it? Imagine that hairy little terror-hobbit was sent on a mission to destroy The Ring but instead was captured by Lidless Eye Cheney inside the gates of Mordor. Imagine what Sauron would have done to Frodo had he been caught. Then, instead of that pussy Sauron, imagine it’s Cheney calling the shots.

Fuck yea, we torture. Pile it on. Oh, I guess they already did that.

Look, torture is the only way. You might have heard of the “ticking bomb” scenario? That’s all fine and well, but I have another logical device I use to justify the torture of prisoners. It’s called the “we have captured a fucking terrorist” scenario. Here’s how it goes. Imagine you capture a fucking terrorist. You start asking him questions like “Terrorist says what?” and he refuses to answer. For the sake of everything we hold dear, it is your responsibility to start torturing the fuck out of him. He’ll spit it out eventually. Fuck yea, torture him.