I’ve gotten a lot of emails asking me to expand on my insightful theories regarding torture. Readers are curious about how I’ve become one of the worlds foremost thinkers on the topic of morality and torture. Was I part of a secret CIA team sent to extract information from suspected terrorists “by any means necessary?” Did I help formulate our countrie’s interrogation policies? Was I captured by a rogue nation or terrorist group while on a secret mission and tortured myself?
It turns out none of these are true. Hard to believe, I know. The truth is that I got a great 2 for 1 deal on an online degree from a reputable e-learning school and decided to followup with my lifelong passion for torture after I got my degree in air conditioner repair. This exacting course was so crammed packed with information that at times I thought it was torture….for my brain! Hahahahaha.
Anyway, I also do a lot of reading on the topic by my peers – people who rigorously studied the topic of torture and what it means to America for hours, if not weeks. Richard Cohen has been doing some really important thinking on the topic of torture and morality, and it’s hard not to get a little excited whenever he scribes a masterpiece like his Washington Post piece this morning. There’s so much to love here that I hardly know where to start.
For instance, notice how he titles the piece “Torture’s Unanswerable Questions”. Now, to the casual reader this might imply that he’s still open-minded about the use of torture, especially when he says things like “I am torn between my desire for absolute security and my abhorrence of torture.” Many would find themselves saying, “This fucking terrorist lover wants to give Osama bin Laden a hand job on the steps of the Capitol and have him shoot his wad all over the Constitution.”
But only 1 short paragraph later he redeems himself by showing his true, well-tuned instincts when he closes with this thunderous line: “Torture always is ugly. So, though, is the hole in the ground where the World Trade Center once stood.”
Fuck yea. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Fucking right man – that hole is pretty ugly. Let’s go torture some motherfuckers.
Sorry, got a little carried away for a second. See how powerful his piece is?
Like I’ve said before, torture is the only reliable way to quickly get a man to tell you whatever you want to hear to justify the shit you want to do anyway. Let’s take a look at two alternative solutions to my “we have captured a fucking terrorist” nightmare scenario.
Let’s say we capture 2 fucking terrorists. Stay with me here. The first one we treat all nicey-nice. Make him tea, ask him how his day was, joke around with him, whatever. We eventually get around to asking him some questions. For the sake of argument, let’s say we want him to justify our impending invasion of Disney World so we’ll ask him when he first met Mickey Mouse. Notice we don’t ask him “if” he’s met Mickey Mouse – that’s a rookie mistake. Pretty clever eh? He thinks about it for a second, takes a sip of tea, and says “2 years ago”. We thank him for his troubles and put him in a jail cell where he has access to cable television and at least 2 square meals a week.
The second guy we torture the fuck out of. Whatever you’ve seen on the television show “24”, but worse. I would suggest some techniques but I don’t want to tip off any terrorists who might be reading my blog. Let’s just say it involves a lot of water and a flat board of some sort (wink wink). Anyway, after about 3 minutes of that he comes up with the same answer, “2 years ago”.
See the difference here? The cost of tea is skyrocketing globally. We can’t afford to be using taxpayer’s money to subsidize these guys’ drinking habits. Sure, $.30 on one terrorist might not seem like much, but multiply that across the thousands of people we’ve taken from homes across all of Iraq and Afghanistan and thrown in prison and you’ll start to get an idea of how expensive the nicey-nice treatment can be. We’re in a serious economic downturn here, we can’t afford that. According to statistics I’ve recently invented, waterboarding is proven to be cheaper than any other technique per false confession given. Let that sink in (pun intended) for a moment. Waterboarding is cheap and just as effective as having a spot of tea. I’d love to know how America-haters react to that little tidbit.
Shit, I just realized I revealed my secret harsh interrogation technique to be waterboarding. Oh well, fuck any terrorists reading this. You might have gotten that out of me, but you’ll never get me to tell you who our man on the inside at Disney World is.