August, 2009

Aug 09

Glenn Beck is Fucking Amazing

I’ve had the above Glenn Beck clip on continuous playback for the last 3 days and it’s really starting to make a lot of sense. I’m not a regular viewer by any means, but I’ve always been impressed with how well his reconstructive surgery went. The medical community has really made incredible leaps forward in helping those who were unfortunate enough to be born with their heads up their own ass. No death panels for them! Hahahaha.

Anyway, I can’t be the only person in this country concerned with the sheer number of hand-drawn chalk lines that link extremists directly to the President. I can’t make out what all of them say, but Jesus just look at all those freakin’ chalk lines criss-crossing the board, most leading right up to the President. IMO, that evidence is damning. Not a single one of them go trailing off the edge of the board or point to nowhere. Not a single one of them point at a conservative pundit or Republican politician. Not a single one of them! All of them – right up to the President. Look at the chalkboard! It’s all there in plain black and white for anyone to try to see and understand. Are you looking at the chalk board? Hey, are you looking? It’s there. Look. Just fucking look. Dude, look. On the chalk board. Look at the fucking chalkboard. Amazing, isn’t it.

And the names, some of them in boxes, some of them in parenthesis, some of them just kind of free form. Jeff Jones and Bill Ayers in the same fucking box! Breathtaking! Check out the two way arrow between Jones and Ayers. Those paying careful attention will recognize this clue as a reference to the famous last scene from Requiem for a Dream. And above that, “Movement for a Democratic Society” appears to be enclosed in a squiggly bracket on one end and a normal parenthesis on the other. Honestly, I’m not sure what that means but it seems ominous.

By far the most damning evidence is the word “Radical” written in the upper left corner and underlined. It’s understated but convincing. After staring at it for a couple of hours last night I really started to penetrate the web of lies protecting this administration. Although it ends with a question mark, I think it speaks for itself, sitting there patiently, waiting for someone to notice it and turn its question mark into an exclamation point. After getting this detailed tour of the maze of communists, terrorist, Marxists, and other assorted leftist linked to the President by chalk lines there really isn’t a question, is there?

Look, it doesn’t take someone who pays attention to or necessarily understands current events to realize that this country is in serious trouble. Did you hear Beck read off the private message he intercepted from Hugo Chavez to Fidel Castro towards the beginning of that clip? Not only is there a secret communist dictator mailing list, but apparently they spend all of their time giving out advice and joking about Obama! You probably can’t make this stuff up.

Aug 09

Death Panels

Honestly, the health care debate has been a bit of a bore to me. I’m not quite sure what the single payer public option coop thing is all about and I don’t really have time to sort it all out. But one thing did catch my eye.

Death Panels.

When I saw this on Sarah Palin’s Facebook profile I thought, “Wait, we can have Death Panels? Holy fucking shit, I want that.”

Seriously, we are this close to getting Death Panels…..What is left to debate? Why is this taking so long? Death fucking panels. Listen up people, this is a major opportunity. We can’t blow it.

Think of what can be done when we have Death Panels. Think of how much better our society will be. Guys that talk on their phone in the car? Death Panel. Nose pickers? Death Panel. Close talkers, slow walkers, people with bad breath, people that clip their nails in public? Death fucking Panel mutherfuckers. Can’t show up for your Death Panel appointment because you have cancer or are paralyzed? You guessed it.

Personally, I’d love to have an opportunity to sit on the Death Panel for a week. It would be like Jury Duty that you wouldn’t make up stupid excuses to get out of. Brilliant! Those Democrats are insanely on point with this. Our country needs Death Panels. The sooner the better. I strongly encourage you to write your representative today and tell them you support Death Panels and you think they should too.

Aug 09

Fuck yea, I torture

So Andrew Sullivan thinks torture is “the pre-eminent moral question in American politics”. Seriously, you know what’s torture? Having to hear this guy prattle on about the moral high ground all the time. Anyone else longing for the good old days when the gays were mostly just for filling in the center square or were smart enough to keep a low profile?

Fuck yea we torture. In fact, I’m in favor of carving out some money in the budget so the President can send everyone their choice of a t-shirt or a bumper sticker with that motto on it. Maybe include my favorite photo in the whole fucking world along with it.

Check that guy out. His face screams “Holy shit these fuckers woke me up. Here I was on my mat of hay, dreaming of 70 virgins, a sit-and-spin, and enough blow to get a snow day in Aspen, Colorado. Now I’m going to have a cattle prod up my ass and my balls licked by a rabid dog. I didn’t even have time to shave my face, chest, back, shoulders, arms, knuckles, or the soles of my feet. Fucking a.” That fucker knows he’s in for a world of hurt, and I’m glad.

You know how I like to imagine it? Imagine that hairy little terror-hobbit was sent on a mission to destroy The Ring but instead was captured by Lidless Eye Cheney inside the gates of Mordor. Imagine what Sauron would have done to Frodo had he been caught. Then, instead of that pussy Sauron, imagine it’s Cheney calling the shots.

Fuck yea, we torture. Pile it on. Oh, I guess they already did that.

Look, torture is the only way. You might have heard of the “ticking bomb” scenario? That’s all fine and well, but I have another logical device I use to justify the torture of prisoners. It’s called the “we have captured a fucking terrorist” scenario. Here’s how it goes. Imagine you capture a fucking terrorist. You start asking him questions like “Terrorist says what?” and he refuses to answer. For the sake of everything we hold dear, it is your responsibility to start torturing the fuck out of him. He’ll spit it out eventually. Fuck yea, torture him.