Sep 09

America’s Police State

I’ve been intently following the travails of (ex-) GOP California state representative Micheal Duvall who was victimized by our increasing police state policies. I’ve fallen into something of a funk since the pace of details from his unfortunate entrapment in front of a live mike has slowed down. Oh sure, others might be interested to hear of his experimentation with spanking, or his multiple lovers, or even his penchant for much younger woman.

Not this blogger. I see a man destroyed by the very Commie Nazi policies that are slowly crushing this country. Years ago the President could happily reveal the details of his philandering to his inner circle without any danger of being exposed until after he was killed by the Mafia and Cubans. Not any longer. Now a man can hardly share a personal story about his man-bursts dripping from the loins of his lover without some American hater finding an illicit way of recording it and using it against him. What have we become?

As the Republicans have made clear time and time again, they are best suited to protect us from the Democrat’s police state because they are the ones with the most to hide.

Sep 09

Fuck yea, I torture (part II)

I’ve gotten a lot of emails asking me to expand on my insightful theories regarding torture. Readers are curious about how I’ve become one of the worlds foremost thinkers on the topic of morality and torture. Was I part of a secret CIA team sent to extract information from suspected terrorists “by any means necessary?” Did I help formulate our countrie’s interrogation policies? Was I captured by a rogue nation or terrorist group while on a secret mission and tortured myself?

It turns out none of these are true. Hard to believe, I know. The truth is that I got a great 2 for 1 deal on an online degree from a reputable e-learning school and decided to followup with my lifelong passion for torture after I got my degree in air conditioner repair. This exacting course was so crammed packed with information that at times I thought it was torture….for my brain! Hahahahaha.

Anyway, I also do a lot of reading on the topic by my peers – people who rigorously studied the topic of torture and what it means to America for hours, if not weeks. Richard Cohen has been doing some really important thinking on the topic of torture and morality, and it’s hard not to get a little excited whenever he scribes a masterpiece like his Washington Post piece this morning. There’s so much to love here that I hardly know where to start.

For instance, notice how he titles the piece “Torture’s Unanswerable Questions”. Now, to the casual reader this might imply that he’s still open-minded about the use of torture, especially when he says things like “I am torn between my desire for absolute security and my abhorrence of torture.” Many would find themselves saying, “This fucking terrorist lover wants to give Osama bin Laden a hand job on the steps of the Capitol and have him shoot his wad all over the Constitution.”

But only 1 short paragraph later he redeems himself by showing his true, well-tuned instincts when he closes with this thunderous line: “Torture always is ugly. So, though, is the hole in the ground where the World Trade Center once stood.”

Fuck yea. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Fucking right man – that hole is pretty ugly. Let’s go torture some motherfuckers.

Sorry, got a little carried away for a second. See how powerful his piece is?

Like I’ve said before, torture is the only reliable way to quickly get a man to tell you whatever you want to hear to justify the shit you want to do anyway. Let’s take a look at two alternative solutions to my “we have captured a fucking terrorist” nightmare scenario.

Let’s say we capture 2 fucking terrorists. Stay with me here. The first one we treat all nicey-nice. Make him tea, ask him how his day was, joke around with him, whatever. We eventually get around to asking him some questions. For the sake of argument, let’s say we want him to justify our impending invasion of Disney World so we’ll ask him when he first met Mickey Mouse. Notice we don’t ask him “if” he’s met Mickey Mouse – that’s a rookie mistake. Pretty clever eh? He thinks about it for a second, takes a sip of tea, and says “2 years ago”. We thank him for his troubles and put him in a jail cell where he has access to cable television and at least 2 square meals a week.

The second guy we torture the fuck out of. Whatever you’ve seen on the television show “24”, but worse. I would suggest some techniques but I don’t want to tip off any terrorists who might be reading my blog. Let’s just say it involves a lot of water and a flat board of some sort (wink wink). Anyway, after about 3 minutes of that he comes up with the same answer, “2 years ago”.

See the difference here? The cost of tea is skyrocketing globally. We can’t afford to be using taxpayer’s money to subsidize these guys’ drinking habits. Sure, $.30 on one terrorist might not seem like much, but multiply that across the thousands of people we’ve taken from homes across all of Iraq and Afghanistan and thrown in prison and you’ll start to get an idea of how expensive the nicey-nice treatment can be. We’re in a serious economic downturn here, we can’t afford that. According to statistics I’ve recently invented, waterboarding is proven to be cheaper than any other technique per false confession given. Let that sink in (pun intended) for a moment. Waterboarding is cheap and just as effective as having a spot of tea. I’d love to know how America-haters react to that little tidbit.

Shit, I just realized I revealed my secret harsh interrogation technique to be waterboarding. Oh well, fuck any terrorists reading this. You might have gotten that out of me, but you’ll never get me to tell you who our man on the inside at Disney World is.

Aug 09

Glenn Beck is Fucking Amazing

I’ve had the above Glenn Beck clip on continuous playback for the last 3 days and it’s really starting to make a lot of sense. I’m not a regular viewer by any means, but I’ve always been impressed with how well his reconstructive surgery went. The medical community has really made incredible leaps forward in helping those who were unfortunate enough to be born with their heads up their own ass. No death panels for them! Hahahaha.

Anyway, I can’t be the only person in this country concerned with the sheer number of hand-drawn chalk lines that link extremists directly to the President. I can’t make out what all of them say, but Jesus just look at all those freakin’ chalk lines criss-crossing the board, most leading right up to the President. IMO, that evidence is damning. Not a single one of them go trailing off the edge of the board or point to nowhere. Not a single one of them point at a conservative pundit or Republican politician. Not a single one of them! All of them – right up to the President. Look at the chalkboard! It’s all there in plain black and white for anyone to try to see and understand. Are you looking at the chalk board? Hey, are you looking? It’s there. Look. Just fucking look. Dude, look. On the chalk board. Look at the fucking chalkboard. Amazing, isn’t it.

And the names, some of them in boxes, some of them in parenthesis, some of them just kind of free form. Jeff Jones and Bill Ayers in the same fucking box! Breathtaking! Check out the two way arrow between Jones and Ayers. Those paying careful attention will recognize this clue as a reference to the famous last scene from Requiem for a Dream. And above that, “Movement for a Democratic Society” appears to be enclosed in a squiggly bracket on one end and a normal parenthesis on the other. Honestly, I’m not sure what that means but it seems ominous.

By far the most damning evidence is the word “Radical” written in the upper left corner and underlined. It’s understated but convincing. After staring at it for a couple of hours last night I really started to penetrate the web of lies protecting this administration. Although it ends with a question mark, I think it speaks for itself, sitting there patiently, waiting for someone to notice it and turn its question mark into an exclamation point. After getting this detailed tour of the maze of communists, terrorist, Marxists, and other assorted leftist linked to the President by chalk lines there really isn’t a question, is there?

Look, it doesn’t take someone who pays attention to or necessarily understands current events to realize that this country is in serious trouble. Did you hear Beck read off the private message he intercepted from Hugo Chavez to Fidel Castro towards the beginning of that clip? Not only is there a secret communist dictator mailing list, but apparently they spend all of their time giving out advice and joking about Obama! You probably can’t make this stuff up.

Aug 09

Death Panels

Honestly, the health care debate has been a bit of a bore to me. I’m not quite sure what the single payer public option coop thing is all about and I don’t really have time to sort it all out. But one thing did catch my eye.

Death Panels.

When I saw this on Sarah Palin’s Facebook profile I thought, “Wait, we can have Death Panels? Holy fucking shit, I want that.”

Seriously, we are this close to getting Death Panels…..What is left to debate? Why is this taking so long? Death fucking panels. Listen up people, this is a major opportunity. We can’t blow it.

Think of what can be done when we have Death Panels. Think of how much better our society will be. Guys that talk on their phone in the car? Death Panel. Nose pickers? Death Panel. Close talkers, slow walkers, people with bad breath, people that clip their nails in public? Death fucking Panel mutherfuckers. Can’t show up for your Death Panel appointment because you have cancer or are paralyzed? You guessed it.

Personally, I’d love to have an opportunity to sit on the Death Panel for a week. It would be like Jury Duty that you wouldn’t make up stupid excuses to get out of. Brilliant! Those Democrats are insanely on point with this. Our country needs Death Panels. The sooner the better. I strongly encourage you to write your representative today and tell them you support Death Panels and you think they should too.

Aug 09

Fuck yea, I torture

So Andrew Sullivan thinks torture is “the pre-eminent moral question in American politics”. Seriously, you know what’s torture? Having to hear this guy prattle on about the moral high ground all the time. Anyone else longing for the good old days when the gays were mostly just for filling in the center square or were smart enough to keep a low profile?

Fuck yea we torture. In fact, I’m in favor of carving out some money in the budget so the President can send everyone their choice of a t-shirt or a bumper sticker with that motto on it. Maybe include my favorite photo in the whole fucking world along with it.

Check that guy out. His face screams “Holy shit these fuckers woke me up. Here I was on my mat of hay, dreaming of 70 virgins, a sit-and-spin, and enough blow to get a snow day in Aspen, Colorado. Now I’m going to have a cattle prod up my ass and my balls licked by a rabid dog. I didn’t even have time to shave my face, chest, back, shoulders, arms, knuckles, or the soles of my feet. Fucking a.” That fucker knows he’s in for a world of hurt, and I’m glad.

You know how I like to imagine it? Imagine that hairy little terror-hobbit was sent on a mission to destroy The Ring but instead was captured by Lidless Eye Cheney inside the gates of Mordor. Imagine what Sauron would have done to Frodo had he been caught. Then, instead of that pussy Sauron, imagine it’s Cheney calling the shots.

Fuck yea, we torture. Pile it on. Oh, I guess they already did that.

Look, torture is the only way. You might have heard of the “ticking bomb” scenario? That’s all fine and well, but I have another logical device I use to justify the torture of prisoners. It’s called the “we have captured a fucking terrorist” scenario. Here’s how it goes. Imagine you capture a fucking terrorist. You start asking him questions like “Terrorist says what?” and he refuses to answer. For the sake of everything we hold dear, it is your responsibility to start torturing the fuck out of him. He’ll spit it out eventually. Fuck yea, torture him.